For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV

The crunching and swooshing of freshly fallen leaves under my feet prompt me to look down. I reach for one single leaf and twirl it around and around in my hand. My eyes focus on its vibrant colors and I'm amazed at how the deep red, yellow, and orange seamlessly bleed into one another. The pattern for the leaf’s shift from a green Summer leaf to a colorful Fall leaf contains no real definition.

Staring at the beauty of this dying leaf, my gaze drifts to my hand effortlessly holding it. I take note of the creases and lines that are increasingly prevalent on my skin. Aging is taking place in tiny increments, and now that I am rounding the curve to 50, I’m acutely aware of its signs.

The Teacher’s words in Ecclesiastes echo in my mind: For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. And I’m reminded of the constant change taking place in this life––the shifting from one season to the next. Some are hard seasons of illness, grief, loss, or financial struggles. Yet others are filled with laughter, joy, success, and fulfillment.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

Fear is a constant battle for me.

I heard someone say, “What you stare at becomes bigger.” I nodded in agreement. It’s hard not to feed fear when all I see are the ways a situation can go wrong. That’s when I resort to planning and manipulating in an effort to control the situation. I convince myself that it’s up to me to avoid disaster. And sometimes I will take myself out of the scenario completely. I sit on the sidelines and watch others do life, and I ultimately miss out.

When I was in grammar school, my classmates and I would regularly gather on the playground for a game of softball. I was careful to never take a position that required expertise because to say I was a terrible player is an understatement. Sauntering to the outfield, I would get out as far as possible hoping to avoid participation. But inevitably, the ball miraculously found its way straight to me.

“Catch it! Catch it!” my teammates yelled. And just when I reached for the ball, all I could focus on was how it became more and more massive upon its approach. It’s going to hit me. Land on the top of my head. Knock me out. And leave a mountain-sized lump. Thoughts swirled in my mind. And as fear overtook me, I shut my eyes and ducked out of the ball's path.